Ego and the Leader

By Dr. Kathy Nash, author and former principal at Terra Cotta Middle School, Ramona Jr. High School, Walnut Elementary School, and Levi H. Dickey Elementary School.

“Everything rises and falls on leadership.” -John C. Maxwell

Being a leader is challenging! You may not find many leaders expressing this because well, we’re leaders. Leaders are expected to be strong, competent, knowledgeable individuals who can transform cultures and move organizations forward with ease. Do you ever feel it is implied leaders never fail, or at least they should try to avoid showing it? Or that leaders never break down?

Leaders are often viewed as the stable point, the rock, the glue of an organization. Leaders keep their egos in check and put the organization first. Most leaders portray a confident façade, especially when they feel insecure, because leaders are under pressure to set the tone for their organizations. We are all inherently known to be egocentric.

We perceive our world from our own vantage point. It’s a leader’s job to step outside of their ego and see situations from all perspectives; the parent, the student, the staff member, the client, the team and the co-worker. This is hard to do. As leaders, we must be self-aware. Daniel Goleman (2005) said it best that self-awareness is the ability to recognize our own thoughts, emotions and values, while understanding how they impact our behavior.

Goleman states that we, as leaders, must constantly assess our strengths and weaknesses. We must take this information, no matter how disheartening, and remain confident, optimistic and continue in a ‘growth mindset’ pattern, as though we are unaffected.

We’ve all heard the phrase, ‘don’t take it personally’. Doing this remains a challenge for all leaders because, leaders are human. Leaders don’t become less human, just because they are leading others. In fact, a strong leader knows how to tap into their emotional intelligence to really understand those they lead. That’s part of what makes a great leader. Ego is just a small three letter word, that can destroy a big twelve letter word called relationship. Rishikajain Hari Prasada, a leadership development coach, states that the ego is what stops us from being our true selves. He says that if we want to be our best self and fulfill our highest potential, we have to see what is getting in the way. We constantly have a defined identity of who we think we should be, not who we are. Our ego encompasses many roles that we play.

In our workplace, in our families etc. we act in the role that is expected of us. One might ask who are we really? If the truth be told, we all struggle with this concept. There is so much white noise in the world directing us to society’s expectations. Our egos are in place to try to affect every situation we are in. We need to ask ourselves what do I value when I’m not trying to affect a situation? What happens when I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone? What is really beneath the ego that matters to me? Our constituents want us to be genuine, yet the overwhelming amount of tasks placed upon us creates scattered thoughts and actions when we need to have time to stop and reflect.

All leadership starts from within, states Kouzes and Posner (2006). Leaders must ask themselves important questions to help discover who they really are. New leaders need to ask these questions out of the starting gate. Veteran leaders must revisit these questions during their career, especially when the stress and pressure of the job leads you astray. In order to bring us back to our core purpose, which comes from being our authentic selves, answer the following questions as it relates to being a leader:

1. Who am I really?

2. What do I stand for and believe in?

3. Who am I when I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone?

4. What are my bottom line core values?

5. Why me? What do I have to offer?

6. What brought me to this position anyway?

The workplace can be devoid of unconditional love. It is an environment of pollution and turnover that produces turmoil. It is a place where everyone is seeking validation for their performance. Vision, goals and purpose are created to achieve common goals in most organizations but is it authentic or just a regurgitation of what is expected of leader’s day in and day out. If we all have facades and personal agendas, are we really operating on the same page? This tugging and pulling is the opposition leaders are faced with every day. How can we bring everyone together for a common purpose?

According to Tristan Boutros (2015), “The ego is one of the biggest barriers to people working together effectively. When people get caught up in their egos, it erodes effectiveness.” His article, The Ego: The Biggest Barrier to Success & Leadership, he states that an overactive ego gives the leader a distorted image of their own importance. I wonder just how effective we are when we are not being our authentic selves, rather succumbing to the expectations of our positions in our company. Boutros explains that safety, status, gratification, and personal agenda then begin to affect decisions. The ego manifests itself as a combination of fear, self-doubt and false pride. Those exhibiting false pride feel the need to control everything. Those who feel self-doubt are consumed with their shortcomings. Those who are consumed by fear do nothing. They avoid conflict at all cost. This is evidence that the intent may be there but the authentic passion is void. Make note if you recognize the signs, listed below, of Ego Affliction:

• Refusing to accept evidence that you are wrong

• Avoiding certain members of your team

• Spending less time discussing other people’s ideas

• Spending more time promoting yourself

• Being fearful of mistakes

To overcome Ego Affliction, start by recognizing your behavior. Seek a mentor who will call you out and tell you the truth when your ego gets in the way. Focus on skills you would like to learn from your co-workers and seek them out. Create a vision where everyone in your organization shares a clear sense of purpose and actually acts in a purposeful manner, instead of just stating something important, writing it down and never following through.

“There are two kinds of pride, both good and bad. ‘Good pride’ represents our dignity and self-respect. 'Bad pride’ is the deadly sin of superiority that reeks of conceit and arrogance.” -John C. Maxwell

Know that asking for help does not mean that you’re ineffective (ego). It just means that the task would be more successful with the help of others (soul). It means that the outcome will be at a higher standard if more than one contributes. A good starting point for avoiding the ego trap is as follows:

• Know that you don’t need to have all of the answers

• Work with team members to build a collaborative culture that is inclusive

• Have an understanding that your own fear of being perceived as weak is a manifest of your own thoughts and experiences

• Know that leadership “top dog” days are outdated

• When you start to think “I should be” or “I need to” say to yourself, “WHO SAYS!”

• Don’t take action on what you perceive that others are thinking or you’re heading down

the wrong path

• Know your limits! Those who live in a leadership bubble believe they don’t have any

• Reduce stress by knowing you don’t always have to be on top of everything

• Change your mindset to knowing you can be wrong, it’s ok.

• Acknowledge your shortcomings

• Empower others by recognizing their strengths and delegating responsibility to others

As a career educator for twenty-five years, and as a Doctor of Organizational Leadership, I have experienced and studied leadership at a very deep level. I’ve studied styles of leadership, and the most effective ways to lead others, but I never reflected on my ego and attributed it to the roadblocks and struggles in my career. I wonder how much it has contributed negatively to leading others, and to my well-being. In exploring this, I believe that a different mindset about leadership, and general self-awareness could positively contribute to being a satisfied, successful leader. I wanted to understand how I got to the point of burnout, and how my leadership style, and ego have played a role.

Ben Bearly (2020) discussed how all personality types are valuable and needed in the workplace, to provide varied perspectives, opinions and skills. He stated, however, that leaders need to be aware of their own leadership style and weaknesses before they can lead others. By exploring ourselves at the deepest level, we are able to tap into our own authenticity which is the only way to be the leader others deserve.

For more information on purchasing Ego and the Leader professional development workbook, please email Dr. Nash, former middle school and elementary school principal, at kathynash16@gmail.com).

References

Goleman, Daniel (2005). Emotional Intelligence: Why it can Matter More Than IQ. New York, NY: Random House, Inc.

Boutos, Tristan (2015). The Ego: The Biggest Barrier to Success & Leadership.

Brearley, Ben (2020). Is Your Ego Damaging Your Leadership?

Kouzes, Tim; Posner, Barry (2006). A Leader’s Legacy. Jossey-Bass.